Those of you who know me and have met me in person may think of me as a very extrovert, social and talkative person on the surface, but the truth is that I suffer crippling Panic Disorder.
The easiest way to describe panic disorder is that your mind will convince your heart that there is danger when there isn't. It is a mental disorder of fear. Your heart rate goes off the chart the same way that it does when you experience great fear, but it does so in rather mundane situations, like having to socialize or if some minor, upsetting or embarrassing thing happens. My being very talkative and seemingly extrovert started at a young age, and in retrospect I came to understand that it was a coping mechanism. I was always extremely uncomfortable in class and I felt like everyone was looking at me, so I became the class clown. This made it feel like I was in control of the situation. The same is true in social settings; talking a lot seems to help me feel in control and it helps to solve my discomfort with silence.
The problem with talking a lot is that you end up with a lot of shame at the end of the day. Did I talk too much? Did I say embarrassing things? This shame is also a form of fear. So Panic Disorder is what I call a demon of fear that I have to fight with a sword daily. This fear made me become like a Chickadee that is outwardly social and talkative but inwardly fearful. I long to become like a Chickadee that is outwardly and inwardly fearless.
While most of my recent works feature framed artwork within artwork, these ones are different. They were originally started between 2019 and 2020 but were never finished. I dug them out of the dust recently and decided to give them the love that they deserved.
Acrylic on Wood
5" x 7"
2024
Acrylic on Wood
5" x 7"
2024
Acrylic on Wood
5" x 7"
2024
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